Totoong may nga taong mapagmataas, mga suplado at mapanghamak. Mga taong gusto mong sugatan ang mukha at nang magkaroon naman ng konting hiya. Naku, wag lang ipahintulot na magkrus muli ang aming mga landas at baka may umuwing duguan. Babalatan ko na sila ng buhay, ibababad sa asin, at iiihaw ko sa mga nagiinit na bato. Kakalbuhin ko silang parang mga suso at sisiguraduhin kong wala akong ititirang kahit isang hiblang buhok. Bubunutin ko kahit ang mga buhok nila sa ilong. Ilulubog ko sila sa kumukulong tubig na parang mga manok at gigilitan ko ang kanilang mga leeg. Ihahain ko sila na parang mga pinaupong manok. Tatanggalin ko ang kanilang mga kuko sa paa at pagpupupukpukin ko ng martilyo. Ipapako ko sa mga noo nila ang mga kuko nila sa kamay at at ipapasok ko sa mga butas ng puwet nila ang tig-iisang dakot ng buto ng munggo. Puputulin ko ang kanilang paa at pagbubuhulin ko ang kanilang mga kamay. Sasabitan ko ng mabigat na bagay ang kanilang mga dila at tatahiin ko ang kanilang mga mata. Papasuin ko sila ng mainit na bakal sa…oops.. napapasarap ako…

         Pero isa pa talaga at gagapang silang parang mga linta pauwi. Uuwi silang bitbit ang mga ulo nila…

It was my cousin’s wedding last Saturday –a happy blessed day for him and his bride. They do look perfect together, really. I know little about what they had gone through but they seem to be perfectly inlove at the moment. And for someone who wishes them all the best as a couple, their apparent overflowing love gives the hint that they’ll make it through the good and the bad times.

The bride used to be my classmate in elementary. She made a beautiful bride which wasn’t surprising anymore since she was a natural beauty. I didn’t see her for years and all I know was that she was a pretty girl when we were still kids. We never really get to be friends then just acquaintances, perhaps.

I found my name on their list of the bridesmaid and ushers. I was assigned with the candlelighting –a task I would have chosen last if I was allowed to. It was my first time and yes, I was kind of excited in a way. I want to try it more for the sake of experience, I guess. Yet, the experience has left me a bad impression somewhere.

There is really little preparation you can do for this kind of events if none at all. For one, how could I possibly even out my skin tone for just a week –a ruthless effect of my swimming the weekend before the wedding proper?  Wearing a plain yellow gown I looked like wearing a pair of long gloves which perfectly fit my arms. Consolingly, I did look like I just had swimming which was way better than having them think it was a natural thing on me.

My cousin and make-up artist was superb, anyway. She gave me a beautiful sophisticated look with my hair in a bun at the back. My eyes look rounder and bigger and it was alright. I did like it. It was a light-touch of make up in comparison to the amount of cosmetics gay men on parlorshops apply on your face. She only has two clients –me and pretty Via, my niece who was one of the flower girls.

Yet, how time flies. It was 5 o’clock and the others have gone to the church for the 5:30 ceremony. We weren’t finish dressing up and we needed a little more time to finally finish. It was Via’s turn so while she was having her make-up on I was struggling to get my dress on too. Somemone from the church has already called to ask for us since the march was going to start any minute and we were still in the house 15 minutes away from the church.

Via’s father who was more excited than we were for her daughter, wasn’t smiling anymore. He kept asking if we weren’t done yet and why, for heaven’s sake, did we end up late for the occasion. Then finally, we headed our way to church on a very fast pace. On our way, we pass by a car that has just gone from the church and the driver told us that the ceremony had already started. It gave me a terrible feeling, really. Not for me but for Via who wouldn’t be able to walk the aisle. I believe she deserves it since it was kind of an effort on her part to dress up for the occasion. It was more because of his father’s insistence that she agreed to be a flower girl.

I wasn’t the bride but I was nervous. I was beginningto feel sad and regretful. We sure look pretty but how would we outshine everybody else if we couldn’t walk the aisle. It was awful. We drove fast and the beating of my heart was in an equal race.

We reached the church but the loud pounding of my heart hasn’t stopped. The wedding has started. We hurriedly ran inside. Surely, the other bridesmaids and groomsmen were all sitting in front by then. But five of the last flowergirls were still at the end of the aisle ready to march down and Via manage to be part of it all.

There was no one left anymore except the bride who was still in the car and me who was standing at the back not sure of what I was going to do. But I definitely had no plans of just sneaking in front and sit quietly with the other bridesmaids. I had to have my share of the moment and surely I got it. The opportunity gave me a good reason to flash a beautiful smile which either indicated confidence or sort of an apology for being late. I saw the others smiling at me so I’ve got to smile back, a wonderful opportunity to flash my beautiful white teeth. Perfect. I could say then that I wasn’t really late, just right in time for a perfect moment.

But my being pasaway doesn’t end there yet. I made something terrible again. I needed to light the candle twice and it was a bad sign, so they say. I guess no one saw it from their seats since I was behind the Ninongs and ninangs who were then called to stand beside the groom and the bride. But it was less of my concern. I was worried more about the bad sign.

After the wedding and the pictorial and all the commotion inside the church people headed off to the reception place. Via and I never really learned our lesson. We were left with our other cousins to wait for one of the cars again to fetch us back since it can’t occupy everyone. So we just had our own mini pictorial inside the church while waiting. When we got to the place, finally, the little program was already over and when our names were called, as the others had narrated to us, we weren’t there to come upstage and for the second time outshine them again. We found no place for us in the presidential table anymore so we have to eat someplace else. I never get to hang out with the other ushers but who were anyway, mostly strangers to me. I had my own world going.

Very me, I guess. If I could avoid having contact with strangers and worse opening up to them then I would with all my might. But I sure got an important role done. I get to do a job supposedly for the maid-of-honor. I was assigned to assist the sabugan portion, a wedding tradition on our place and some place else too. I wrote down the names of people who gave money, counted it and then after gave it to the groom who inturn gave it to his wife. And what a nice job it was –to be part of it all. All of a sudden I was inside the commotion and people were asking me how much this so-and-so gave and how much money was collected all-in-all. Some people even have to ask me more than once.

When my cousin handed the money to his wife I could feel that he was so inlove with the girl –it wasn’t just me I guess. He was obviously inlove. I pray that with God’s love and glory they will be able to sustain their love for each other and still be together for the rest of their lives. I pray for them a happy, fulfilling marriage void of temptation and misunderstandings. May God be with them who have made them one.

On my part, I hope I knew better what marriage means. 

The plan of going to the beach last weekend would have not materialized if sempai jepoy did not insist coming over. I wasn't exactly sure how we ended up arguing over the matter but anyway, he got me saying ok even how strongly I would have wanted to cling to my words. Sigh. I'm not so good keeping to my decision. Anyway, it's not always as bad as it gets. I guess I just know when to eat my words and when to stick with it. Or do I?

I was incharge to look for a resort since it was my hometown they'll be visiting. When I thought about which beach to go I wasn't thinking of them. I was thinking for myself. I was also sort of in need of a get-away place for a moment and i wanted somewhere peaceful and quiet.

We finally went to Biga. It was far and few people visit the place compared to the other much developed nearby resorts.It was truly a wonderful place. Nature-lovers would appreciate every single detail of the place. It was like allowing yourself to be one with nature which was always a great experience.

The sea went calm under the sunset. It grew so quiet I could virtually hear silence. It was louder than our voices which were easily drowned to the sensation of the sea. It made me feel so at peace I wasn't sure if I was consciously staring into space and at the same time watching the calmness of the sea. I felt myself floating with so much lightness in my heart. It was what I needed.  

The drops of rain creating crystals on the surface of the sea were something to behold It was grand. Breathtaking. I knew it. It was really totally beautiful. There were lightnings and thunders too. For the first time, it did not frighten me but made me love it for that short grand moment. We own the place –just the nine of us. And it was so nice to share such experience with them –with my friends.  I couldn't see very clearly with the raindrops over my face, wishing for a second to spare my face from the falling raindrops to have a perfect view of everything around me. I wanted to see and capture everything that I was allowed to experience. But I knew well that I saw more. I became one of the crystals, part of the sea, a fraction of lightning, the sound of thunder, a portion of the rocks, a particle of the sand and one of the fish clinging onto the rocks. God continue to surprise and leave me starstruck with all these beautiful things. 

That night we built a bon fire which didn't last for too long since the rain left the firewoods wet. But it made a good substitute when electricity went out for a short moment. No one regarded the brown-out. I never would have mind if it the electricity didn't return until the next morning. I was too inlove with the moment to care.

We appreciate our food which weshared together. We had fruits too–watermelon, papaya, pineapple. The next morning we went boating. There was something sweet and romantic about it even under the heat of the sun especially if the men do the paddling for you. I came to realize that even the bright sun can be as much romantic as the sweet moonlight.

The waves, most of all, got me.I challenged the waves and it played along with my pretense bravery. The waves had fun too pushing and pulling us to and from almost near the shore. It was my favorite. When the waves splash and hit me one after the other without a moment to wipe your face with the splashes of water and make you hold your breath for a while. There was some sort of teasing in it. I know the waves liked it too and gave us awonderful time out there.Then came the momenere tired and exhuasted, I know, jus was. I just hope that they enjoyed their stay here just I did too.

         I'm sleepy but my mind keeps me from leaving my desk to approach my bed that has become so appealing to this moment. A lot of things have been running into my head that even if I hate to listen to music while writing, I prefer to have some sort of distraction around. I was illogically hoping that it may help me organize my thoughts which have always been in my entire life a mess of jumbled so-and-so. I am becoming increasingly frustrated with it that it has come to upset me to a considerable degree now. It has reflected on my writings. That, I admit, is the root of all my disappointments about the matter.

        My disppointments were triggered by my netsurfing-snoopy attitude. I didn't really feel very happy to come across a blog site of a writer whose identity I have gone curious about since we have some friends in common. I use the term friends here to make my writing life easy –meaning, I don't want to go into the details anymore. I don't know why in the world had she had an effect on me that much and that sudden when I know a lot of good writers out there who are better and, you know –better. I have nothing personal against her definitely. I haven't met her yet. In a way, actually, that should be sort of a compliment for her knowing the effect she had on me.

          I don't want to sleep because I don't want all the writers out there to leave me further and further behind.  I want to keep my pace with them in a feasible distance so that someday, perhaps, I can compare myself to them. It has always been my dream to be a good writer for a simple reason that I want to give my life –my experiences, thoughts, emotions and the people i met, a clear account of things. All I want to do now is to just write my heart out and that is what I have been doing. 

         I feel frustrated that often, if not always, I want to delete, throw, erase or anything I needed to do just to get rid of whatever I have written. Reading it again after a few days or a week perhaps, just like what good writers do, it felt like my work needed a total revision. It was like starting over if ever I decide to write about it again. Almost always my work is a mess of disorganized vague thoughts and ideas clumsily put together. I would always wish that I had expressed myself clearer.

         A lot of things are ruuning into my head and I want to write them all down. The music wasn't helping so I had decided to pause it for a moment since it really isn't effective for me. I need all the silence I could get that even the sound of the ceiling fun distracts me from time to time. I want to be a good writer but I know that I'm far from being one yet. But I'm not losing hope. Not in a million years.

         I don't feel good about everything right now. Things don't seem to be under anyone's control. It's like it's at the edge of a cliff waiting to be pulled back or pushed to fall down. Most of the time, I feel like I'm responsible for putting things at risk. I don't want to aknowledge my fault but I know deep inside that I blame myself for it. I cannot, atleast not think about the situation. I know that for now, there is very little thing I can do if ever there is, but I have to try just to make myself feel better. I know that if I just let things happen without doing anything I will feel a lot more sorry for myself.

         I don't want to be a loser. I'll fight till there is nothing to fight for.  There ain't no time for regrets and hesitations. I can't be cynical, pessimistic, and sarcastic at the same time. I am not worthless unless I think I am. For now, I can only wait to see who and what are there to work with. I know it is not my fight alone. A lot of concerned people are there with the same amount of passion and determination just to make things right again. Who ever thought that the sole responsibility is hers is damn stupid. Hell… I have a lot more in my heart but I'd rather keep it than make things complicated.

         I choose my fights and if I have to be involved with one again… I'll make sure it's not me who's gonna cry. I can be evil too when the situation asks for it.

         When we love something it is of value to us, and when something is of value to us, we spend time with it, time enjoying it and time taking care of it.

         Imagine for a moment that your bank suddenly announced this as its new policy:

         Every morning your account is going to becredited with 86, 400 dollars. You can carry no balance from day to day. Every evening, your account will be emptied and whatever amount of your account you have failed to use during the day will be returned to the bank.

         What would you do? Why, you'd draw out every scent of the 86, 400 each day, and spend it, or invest it as wisely as possible. Before long, you could be a very wealthy perosn indeed.

         Actually, you have a bank account with a similar policy. It is called "time". Every morning, you are given the prospect of 86,400 seconds. At the close of the twenty-four hour period, the moments you have failed to withdraw and invest to goood purpose are ruled off your ledger. Time carries no balances from day to day. It allows no overdrafts. Each day, a new account is opened to you. If you fail to withdraw and use the day's deposit, the loss is yours.

         Those sho truly love life use time to the maximum. They make each days count rather than counting days.

                                          -excerpt from God's Little Devotional book for Dads

This is my song for the moment and for a little long while, i guess.            

                                          I BELIEVE                                               

I see from look in your eyes, there's
Something I could never deny
For the first the first
After all this time
I found true love

I have never been so happy in my life
Till you finally showed me for the first time
I know this time I found true love

CHROUS
And I believe from the moment we met
Your love is truly as good as it is
That, once I let you go
I'll never be happy again

And I believe for the very first time
Your love is truly
Meant to be mine
And my heart knows once I let you go
I'll never be happy again

You gave me the reason to live, now
All I ever want is to give you all of me
Cause I believe you gave me true love

REPEAT CHORUS